i'm so afraid of whats going to happen to me, i dont want to be this way but i am, and i'm sorry to all those that want me to better than what i am, but i'm just not. I'm going away for the summer to a 5 week program at cal lutheran, how i'm going to survive that ordeal i have no clue, they say that you have to be at meals they're mandatory, and how i'm going to pull that off i just dont know, i dont want people to look at me differently or try and understand when they dont, i dont want to judged. How am i supposed to go away to school for psychology when i'm so messed up myself. Life is sucking right now. People think i do what i do because of guys, they're so wrong i could care less what guys think because if they can't love me for everything i am then i dont want to be with them. I want to be like 200 pounds when i meet my guy and fall in love because then i'll know that he thinks i'm beautiful just how am and he loves my insides also. And then i'll lose the weight because i want to and i want him to have a beautiful wife not just on the inside but on the outside also.

I'm feeling better today i had a small breakfast well a 10 fl oz of orange juice=140 cal, and half of a sausage egg mcmuffin minus the bread mothers of course, and even tho i hate the fact that it's inside of me i'm dealing a little better the nausea( think i spelled wrong) is slowly subsiding so that's a good sign, i'm going to go running tomorrow after practice hopefully i dont black out from lack of energy.

Summer time sucks sometimes, my penpal moved away so now i dont have anyone to write to, i love writing letters and getting them in the mail, its just some special connection, i dont know i just like checking the mail and seeing a handwritten letter in the mail for me from someone totally different but yet you can be completely honest about everything and they understand. So any takers? what are the chances i'll meet my penpal on xanga? well anyways i feeling sedentary so i'm going to go exercise and no not to work off breakfast, just so i can get a little energy!!! thanks to all that comment it makes me feel good when you leave inspiring words......Love you all

ps. we're going to start filming the screenplay is finished i'm excited, nope i'm not in i'm directing, i'm to big to be on camera or at least in my mind and right now i'm in a fragile state and i dont need to hate myself so i'm going to direct besides i love directing. I'm working on my own personal film its a documentary on eating disorders and it's not bashing the people it's giving a look into how they feel about their story, instead of judging them and everyone making their conclusions this is them telling the truth about it, i'll keep you updated.